I walked right to the far south eastern corner of the cathedral and sat down on the cold stone.
I felt completely alone.
My life seemed to be falling apart.
(not that it had ever really felt that together)
My search for happiness had taken me through women, drink and drugs.
Or rather my search for the escape from pain.
But here I was…
Still unable to come to terms with the basic fact of existence.
And the undeniable taste of suffering that it entailed.
And so, for some strange reason…
I had given up praying many years before when as a child I had asked God for help.
Standing in the laundry room in the cupboard under the stairs. Unable to find the house key. And fearing the wrath and punishment of my parents.
I had called on him to provide.
But no answer came.
Here now I tried again. And again when I later reached home, before I fell asleep.
I woke to the most incredible Peace.
But like all the ecstatic states from drugs I had taken, the peace didn’t last.
And so I found no faith in God.
In fact, it was Buddhism that spoke to me.
And though after many years of practice, that let me down too. It opened a doorway into what I would call ‘Presence’……
A beautiful ever present sense of something permanent ‘behind’ all things…
That some people might call God.
It was Adyashanti that rescued me when I first had that realisation. And was feeling like I had no ground to grasp ahold of.
I listened avidly to ‘The End of Your World’.
And some years later, when he released ‘Resurrecting Jesus’..
I found he again was speaking directly to me.
And I enjoyed to hear his awakened perspective on Jesus.
And liked that though trained as a Buddhist, he was completely at home immersed in other religions.
Which is why his course was the first I advertised on this new website.
And already I have received such mixed reviews.
Because not everyone approaches this from spirit.
In fact, most people approach this from mind.
Which are two completely different things.
Which is why sometimes the life devoted to awakening.
The life that is moved by spirit….
Can be a lonely life.
Perhaps not unlike the life of Jesus….